Haiku

It's because I'm flippin' out again. I've never been this angry before with him, but somehting snapped in me which turned on the green light and says: GO.

Go for what? I dunno. It's a matter of him shelling a shellfish and me grabbing the meat. Fuck. I'm never eating mussels again.

The usual... wanna-talk-it-over-im-gonna-hug-you-now-we're-okay shit. This time, it ain't gonna work. I've long been dying to scram outta this hell. Where's that glimpse of heaven? Kitty, my college friend might have been correct in alluding to Dante's Inferno : I'm in hell. And in the hellest of hell.

YEah yeah whatever. My shitty folks didn't call me angel for nothing.

Bye Bye Birdie!

Bye Bye, Birdie!

Here's cheers for the old rooster year... and warm greetings for the new year of the dog. Damn... having a Chinese boyfie was not at all exactly in my list of much-to-die-for in the year 2005 but look what I got... a Chinese boyfie, his whole family and a Chinese son. Hell yeah. What a year. And look at me... consulting feng shui and looking forward to the year of the doggie (more so, to the ang paos that my little karate kid will get from his chekwa family, harharhar!)

Any regrets?

Looking back... I didn't have any. Everything that happened in 2005 blew my head off, turned my world upside down, but it was one helluva roller coaster ride. I became stronger. Roar. I became more mature. Clap! Clap! I became who I didn't imagined I would be. But I loved it. I didn't expect my life would be like this... and I am actually looking forward to this year.

High hopes, high fives.

TO start off, I am finally getting myself a job. Chase was convincing me earlier during our phone conversation to go back to InterCon and apply for reservations. Tempting as it may seem.. but I am afraid that I'll forever be stuck with an avaya (nooooooo!!!!) and of course I wanted to have a career. I have to pay my credit card bills and our growing needs. I searched my head off in jobstreet and tried my luck in applying for a med-rep position... something that I should've had since April of last year, hadn't I gotten preggy by a sex-starved Chinese mafia. Hehe. Crossing my fingers, I am hoping for the best. Should I say I'm desperate? Nah. I'm just afraid that I'll lose my head staying at home and tending to the cutest little boy I had last August 23rd.

Wedding Bells?

A lot of people are getting married this year... dunno what's with the year of the dog! And yeah of course I've (We've) been the butt of their cruel jokes. Like, "aren't you gonna get married na ba?" Duh. Marry yer face, assholes. He still haven't popped the question directly, and I'm not hoping, either. Although he's dropping hints, I'd rather pass it off as whimsical fantasies of his. Why? Maybe because I still want to live my life in its single-blessedness and I hate dealing with papers... y'know, name changes in documents. Besides, I'm happy with my last name in the 1st ten of the alphabet, thank you. And we don't have enough money yet to stage that fantastic wedding of the century. Maybe... when that time comes I'd be more ready. But right now, I'm happy with what I have. (Am I?)

Where are you going?

I still don't know where I am going, but as of now, at least I already have some direction in my wasted life. No new year's resolutions, though. I don't want to set myself to a rigid rule that I would somehow break along the way. One thing's for sure... I'm going to make the best out of this year. And I'm going to be the best that I can be.

For all of my friends who amde 2005 worthwhile, thank you all. Wishing you all the best there is for 2006.

For my Sweetie and little Sweetie... you guys rock my world! I love you both.

Happy B-day

Yesterday, I am a year older.

Hell yeah. I am a year older and still, I don't know where the hell my life is leading into. I just realized that I still don't know what I want in life, and that a part of me has changed in the past year.
No, I'm not just talking about stretch marks (ugh! they're soooo ugly...) and having a baby (which is a good thing, hehe! excited mom here), but more of life goals and values. I feel so catatonic, lethargic, immobile. I don't know what I really would like to have and be in my life.

I've always wanted to succeed. I am the eternal optimist, the go-getter perky cheerleader who always want the best, and I always make sure that I always get what I want. But lately, I feel that somehow, somewhat, somewhere... I am suddenly lost.

Do I really know where I'm going to?
Honestly --- I DON'T. Some things have changed in my life for the past year. There were some good things, and of course there were some bad things. There are also the unexpected turns and curbs that I was not ready for and aware of, but rating it all in all, it was damn good. I may not know where the hell I am going, but I know I'll make it. I just need a little focus.

TOP TEN SIGNIFICANT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME FROM AUGUST 7, 2004 to AUGUST 7, 2005:

10. I broke up with Manolo. That's a good thing. Hehehe.
9. I resigned from my hellish job. Another good thing.
8. I made new friends, who proved to be worth keeping.
7. I made friends with the great ex... Barney. (Uyyy soulmate! Hehehe!!)
6. I bonded and got close with Jhana, an ex-enemy. Imagine that. We're friends now, as in.
5. I amusedly watched two of my close friends fall in love (Diba Raechie & Mikey? hehe.)
4. I unexpectedly fell in love... with Andre. He was just a friend back then. Oh well, as the song goes... Love moves in mysterious ways!
3. I did not expect Sweetie to love me back. But he did. And still holding on, inspite of everything. I just hope it's for real and for keeps.
2. I am finally in good terms with my mom! I just realized that she's a great mom, although there are really some times when I am itching to bite off her nagging tongue and skin her alive (Sorry, Ma... pero totoo to! Hehe!)
1. I am finally going to see my Little Sweetie sometime this September. My baby is the most precious gift I ever had on my birthday, and he will always be a reminder of how I once fell in love completely and gave my all (naks, andrama! Hehe.) Ryu is an unexpected bundle of joy, and I know that Andre and I will be facing more rough action (I hope in bed... cross fingers! haha.) in the future but Little Ryu Anakin will always be our source of strength & optimism.

To all of my friends who remembered to greet me and celebrate with me on my birthday: you know who you are! Thank you so much for making my day. You all rock my world! Life is never complete without good friends like you around!

To my sister and bestfriend, Mamei: I'm sorry for not having the time to visit you and talk to you about some things. We need catching up to do. Thanks for being there for me always, no matter what. I love you.

And to my Sweetie: Thank you for everything. Remember when I told you last night when we were having dinner that this was the best birthday I had in years? You asked me why. I wasn't able to give you any reason. But now I know why... because in the past years that I celebrated my birthday, you were not there for me yet. And this year (and in the coming years) I know that my birthday will always be happy with you and Ryu around. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. No gift can ever replace the one you gave me: Little Sweetie & your presence. Luv u.

Happy birthday, Mariko.

On the Brink of Tears and other Stories

Boring day.

I miss my Sweetie so much, he went to his final (cross fingers!) interview for Merck Sharpe & Dohme and would go straight to school to finish the intro part of his paper. I'm here alone stuck in my room, with strict instructions from the doc not to move away from the bed. Bedrest really sucks. I hope he's with me right now so at least BEDREST would be more fun hehehe... oh well.

What I did today...
Not much, surfed the net and then decided to update my blog --- for Pete's sake it's been how many days since I did that?! Oh anyway I decided to upload new photos in Friendster (check it out haha!) and change my profile just for the kicks. I also dropped by a newfound friend's blog and read it... I can actually relate to her! I think we're on the same line of thinking and I can't wait to meet her. Small world, actually. She knows one of our business partners in Cebu.

On the brink of tears...
Yes, blame it on whatever hormones are eating me up (is it progesterone or estrogen? I'm just very positive it's not testosterone heheheh!!) but I'm often on the brink of tears for silly and small reasons.
Like what?
Like friendship. Yeah I know it's not a very god reason to cry unless you fall in love with your gay bestfriend who steals your boyfriend from you, but the main reason I cried (again) today is because of friendship. I was just touched by some divine light from heaven that's why I cried.
Friends, as they say, come and go. There are the old ones, the new ones. Those hard to find and hard to keep, and those easy to find and still hard to keep. There are those who are hard to find and easy to keep, easy to find and easy to keep. I have friends that fall in each and every category there is in "FRIENDSHIP", and believe me, Friendster cannot really contain and define them all.
There's this particular friend I would like to thank... I've known her for some time now, but we never really get the chance to talk a lot and bond because the timing was just not right. From the stories that I've heard about her, I know she's a good person and from the way she writes about things I know she's got the brains. I just wish I've taken the time to know her better and bond together because she is one of the most precious people in our life (Sweetie & me). Abie, thanks so much for everything. For taking care of Andre when I was not yet there in his life and for offering unconditional friendship. For the good memories you left with him that he shares with me. For continuously supporting him regardless of what. For the times that he needed someone to confide to, you were there to listen and give advice. For being wacky and smart... I like reading about your blog. For being an idealist, who never stops believing and giving us the guts to go for the pot of gold (even if sometimes the rainbow is nowhere to be seen). For being Abie, thanks so much.
We might not have taken the chance to really sit and talk... more of really hi's & hello's. I never really had the chance to tell you that I like you (as a friend... puede din hardcore lesbo action if you're open to it, hehehehe!!) and that you're one of the kindest and smartest peeps I know. Thanks for everything. Thanks for being a part of our lives. Thanks for being Ryu Anakin's cool ninang (turuan mo na lang magyosi yung anak ko pag uwi mo hehehe!).
I just want you to know that you are appreciated.
I wish we can take the time to stop and smell the roses together soon. I know we'd be painting the town red together.
Keep on posting, girl!

And for all of my friends out there... space is not enough to tell you how much I love you all. Thank you so much for being my friends and being a part of me. YOu all rock my world!

Afternoon Delight...

Gonna find my sweetie, gonna hold him tight
And we're gonna have some afternoon delight...

I just figured out my world revolves around him lately, and this is not good... er... maybe.

We didn't have any arguments today, this is amazing! He went here lunchtime, I cooked lunch for him and we spent the day watching DvDs, planning on things and eating (that also includes eating each other, harharhar!)

Yes, I'm quite happy today. I've had my fill on sweet stuff, including him.

Milestones for the day: Not much. We didn't argue, and that's a good sign. He's better at understanding me now. My lubes are back to normal (hehehehe...) and we had a road test a while ago, nyahahhahaa!!!

I'm really quite excited for Friday. Raechie and the gang are coming over for a visit and some small talk. I'm looking forward to meeting them, it's been quite sometime since we last saw each other and I really miss those guys. Especially that Mommy Patt is not doing great, now is the time to have some breakie! Ate Tin will be coming over too, and this is surely a blast. I hope Chase, Leslie, Arvee and Mommy Arl can come too because if they do, I'm gonna throw a party. Big business coming up, haha.

To sum it all up:

Today, I am happy.

I am happy because...

Sweetie came over and we spent the day together.
My lubes are back to normal, it's gonna be one helluva ride up until September mwahahaha.
Sweetie received a message from Merck Sharpe & Dohme, asking him to come for an interview. Finally, a prospective job for mi amour!
I cooked lunch, though if my doc knows about it, she'll really disapprove.
I ate a lot.
My dad was nice to me.
Sakura didn't bother me.
My mom bought me pastries from Delifrance.
I found potential business partners.
I got an inspiring tagboard message from Abie. (Hey girl, if you can read this.. thanks. Means a lot.)
I made a new friend in Cebu.
Sweetie kissed me a lot. We kissed a lot. I like kissing.
I realized there's a lot more to "BEDrest". Hehe.
I'm actually liking not going to work (uh-oh...)
I'm going to bed pretty early and feeling ok (THIS IS A MILESTONE, considering the horrible experiences I'm going through)
God still loves me.

I just realized that happiness is just around the corner if I look for it. True happiness is learning to accept what's going on around you and appreciating the simple things in life.

Someone asked me just now: "Are you happy?
I told her, "Sometimes."
"Why 'sometimes'?"
"I'm happy sometimes --- like now, this is a rare occasion. Only sometimes... because if I'm happy most of the time, I'd never appreciate happiness as it is."

Hey, at least I'm still alive. I still live, love and give. Somebody still lives, loves and gives for me. That's enough reason to be happy.

Wish it could go on like this forever though.

God Save the Baby

And also, the queen who carries the baby in her tummy.

Just saw my doctor today, Sweetie accompanied me. My tummy still hardens and aches, and mee oh my oh, this is really a tough pregnancy. Confined to the bed, yes I am. Prisoner of my own house, of my own parents, of my own world, of my own life. I'm so fuckin' depressed again... well, not that depressed anymore but still... I am.

Milestones for the day: None. Save for some cuddling and smoochfest with the sweetheart and the shocking news...a friend was just abandoned (is this the correct term?) by her husband, and I can't help but cry. This is not over reacting, as Sweetie insisted, but more of being sympathetic. I just can't imagine her being left by her hubby with their two lovely daughters. I cried because I felt her pain (hey, I'm a woman too!) and I just thought that "What if it happened to me?". Good God, I cannot bear the thought, so I shunned it away. Sweetie might have sensed it, so he assured me. Lots of hugs and kisses. Lots of tickles. But not enough to really shun the bad feeling away.

I feel bad and sorry for that friend. We never had the chance to talk a lot and bond together while I was still at my previous job, but she's such a sweet and nice lady and I'm just very thankful to have her around. Maybe, this is the chance to finally reach out and talk about things. She's one of the kindest people I know, and she doesn't deserve to be treated this way! Not by anyone, not even her husband. As a woman, I know the hurts and the pains of being turned away by the one you love the most (and the one who loved you the most). How many times did I have that feeling? The pain, the misery, the heavy emotions deep down that scar your soul. I never wanted to venture into that dimension anymore. And I don't want any of the people close to me to wander into that, too.

But you cannot prevent what happens to you, or the people around you. Call it destiny, fate or karma... but that is what life is made of.

The only way to fight is to be strong. Acknowledge your weakness and move on.

Seize the day, for tomorrow, we die.